Letter to my babysitter...

My Parenting Manifesto


Thank you for looking after my child.  As promised, I want to share with you some of the values I hold highest in my parenting approach.  I respect all of the training and intuitive goodness you are arriving with.  Please just be yourself and spontaneous as you take these ideas into consideration.  I'm already impressed with your demeanor with children, and I’d like to hear your thoughts.  

When Bina does something you think is cool, please say “thank you” or just smile, or describe why it was cool, rather than saying “good job.”  Here’s why:
http://codenamemama.com/2010/06/02/good-job/

Please validate her feelings and allow the hard feelings also to come to the surface:
http://juliamannes.blogspot.com/2010/08/youre-ok.html

We try to talk to Bina and not about her in front of her...

We value pleases and thank yous and apologies (http://codenamemama.com/2011/01/03/alternatives-apologies/), and we try to model them and very rarely bring them up directly...  I believe "whatdyousay????" is a little condescending and doesn't really teach genuine gratitude or sympathy.  We only sparingly encourage sharing and do not force it.  I believe forcing it teaches much less about sharing and much more that the biggest person has all the power and rules by might.  So we’ll say things like [sympathizing with one who doesn't have toy] - "it's hard when you want something that someone else is using" or "oh, that's so and so's favorite toy and maybe you can pick a different toy that is just for you;" and to the one who has the toy, "Can you see so and so's face, it seems like he'd really like to use that toy... would you consider sharing it after a few more minutes?"  We generally wouldn’t approach sharing like "you've had a turn, now he gets a turn."

In our family we don't use time-outs or punishments.  I think these focus more on short-term outcomes and desired behaviors than on long-term deep understanding and respect. I also think there are more effective approaches to improving behavior, because I don't know about you, but when I was punished as a kid, I thought a lot more about hating my parents and revenge than I did about the errors of my ways!  If something unacceptable is going on, stay with the child while distancing from the situation.  It is helpful if you stay very calm and un-punitive.

So what should be done about discipline?  Discipline is not a major theme in our home, although I’m aware there are some children who need more help behaving in ways that people can live with.  Please talk to Bina briefly in fairly neutral language about why we don’t want to do x, y, or z, or what she can do instead, and then move on.  I try hard to state a limit only when I really feel it is important - if I’m not yet sure how to respond I’ll take a few moments of silence - because when I say no I want to really mean it and not cave after the pleading comes - then it beckons more pleading and teaches that my word isn’t serious. I don't really like telling Bina that anything from nature is gross or that laying on the floor is gross or anything... she can run pretty much free with regard to these things as long as she's not doing something very dangerous, I like my little jungle baby just as she is!  The major exception is I try to model putting away one toy before taking out many more toys - I need some civilization.  :)

Bina is also a vegetarian, and we keep a kosher home.  Please don't use food as an incentive to get her to go somewhere or do something (bribes in general we try not to do - but I notice life is frequently a negotiation :).

We try to eat healthy, please don't offer sweets or juice or breads or pasta, but when Bina asks for things she sees she generally should be given them.  I don't want to create drama around food or create forbidden fruits syndrome.  The only exception is if it's straight up mainstream candy or adult diet drinks or something really chemically.  You can explain it's chemically or has too much refined sugar and she generally says ok.  Also she doesn't have to finish her food or eat at a certain time, she eats to her own hunger.  I will always tell you what foods we have around that day.

We don't watch TV or play iphone games or look at little cartoons with Bina.  However Bina does ask for music and family photos on the many gadgets we have around the house, so it is helpful when she doesn’t see them too frequently.   Bina initiates all kinds of make-believe games... she sings and paints and uses playdough and cleans and does all sorts of random things that need no major planning.

Oh also we try not to call Bina princess or focus on princess-type qualities as values - nothing really needs to be said about her looks:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=298384623524331&set=a.223098324386295.105971.205344452828349&type=1

Thanks for your interest!  Hope this is comfortable for you.  It's ok if you forget some of these, don't feel shy!  It takes some effort to speak in new ways - it can become second nature if you believe in it.  If you're interested in any topic I would love it if you ask, "what do you suggest I say about x when it comes up." or "what are your feelings about x," it's the best way to learn.

I recognize that flexibility is also an important value!
We can discuss any of this that you'd like, and I'm open to dialogue.

I also created a reading list if you're interested in learning more:

thanks again!

Julia

NY TIMES: Motherhood vs. Feminism

One more voice in the debate... mine!

Here's the forum.

It is beyond distressing to me that the very definition of what a feminine being can do - create and sustain life - could possibly be considered anti-feminist a priori.  I derive a huge amount of my feminine identity from motherhood and the abilities of my body. Please don't blame your baby - hold accountable the laws of the land and your benefits package.  I choose attachment parenting because it is convenient, not because I believe in some major give-fest.  I breastfeed and co-sleep because it is easier to roll over than run to the other room in the middle of the night warming formula - I babywear because it is easier to have a calm baby than a fussy one, and because strollers are unwieldy. I place no judgement on the women who can't or choose not to do the same.  But in the category of women who can't, many would find breastfeeding easier if they weren't routinely separated from their babies shortly after birth.  If  no one teaches women how to wear their babies comfortably, and mass marketers push us to buy all kinds of equipment to make our babies need us less, of course we'll assume carrying them is a sacrifice.

It is curious to me that first year residents are encouraged to devote themselves completely to their hospitals, but women are considered martyrs for devoting themselves to their babies in the first year of life.  Just like residency, the early years of your child's life are fleeting and may merit extra time commitments.   To assert that it is motherhood against feminism means we have gotten used to a very low-bar version of feminism.  Our workforce is largely masculinely-designed without much intent to also incorporate the real needs of mothers.  A true feminism would campaign for access to proper maternity (and paternity) leave, flexible work hours, flexible site locations, on-site daycare, breastfeeding-normative environments, and empowering birth and early-motherhood experiences.  We devote a huge amount of time, money, and effort to our educations and our careers - yet we've rarely held an infant and almost never seen a birth before our own.  It makes sense that we are largely unprepared for motherhood, and if we were as feminist as we should be, it would be more common for women to support other women in all of their endeavors.    

Women are tough - they can do anything a man can do - they can give birth! - now let's see if we can put a feminine touch on feminism. Powerful, AND caring, nurturing, sensitive women affecting global change can be the goal of feminism as well as equal pay for equal work.  If you don't want to breastfeed - don't.  If you don't want to run around to little league games - don't.  If motherhood feels corny and unfulfilling to you, stop playing them canned children' music and ditch a few of those plastic beeping toys.  Pop on some cool music and create a motherhood that feels authentic to you.  Children are adaptable and will recover from warfare, let alone your departures from attachment parenting (and your emotional crises that attachment parenting zealots are making you feel guilty).  Let's stop the mother blaming, "you spend too much time with the kids," "you don't spend enough time with your kids!"  Embrace and support other women.  

I'm not completely gloriously happy with motherhood at all times, and I do recognize that sometimes our children's (and partners', friends', employers') needs come head to head with our own.  But we are really bad at seeing the ways that our children's needs match ours.  At your birth you probably heard- "oh, your baby is a stubborn one, she won't move down..." We are pit against our children right from the start.  If you are made to believe your child needs not just school, and not just pre-school, but also preschool prep, of course we don't trust that we're supposed to enjoy the time we're spending with our kids. We're very comfortable asserting what our machines need to run - and knowing what our companies need to run.  Why can't we be honest about what our kids need?  All people including children need touch, fresh air, nourishment, shelter among other things to thrive. Give women the proper skills to nurture their babies when they're babies - spend time with them when they're toddlers - maybe that investment will pay dividends to our future generation of leaders (not to mention when you wish your kids would want to hang out with you).  

As a birth and postpartum doula, I am privileged to witness firsthand that men and women are different - I know and remember this constantly attending births - so let's spend less time as feminists making women be like men, and more time normalizing the needs and cycles and strengths of women. Call a spade a spade - the modern workforce isn't flexible enough, and our peer learning isn't broad enough to support your parenting ideal.  Let's accept that there is a wide range of acceptable nurturing, and also try to set our mothering goals to a reasonable height.  Better yet, let's stop teaching the next generation that overachieving is appropriate in either the workforce or the home.  Let's idolize the leisure class more than the "I am busier than thou" class.  Don't go blaming your children. Don't go blaming motherhood and other moms. Let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

What are we looking for?

Its is striking to me that when you look on Sittercity, you can find babysitters with experience in epilepsy, asthma, autism, and all kinds of sensitivities. All of these specialties, and “will care for sick children,” are drop-down menu items that sitters put in their profiles. As comprehensive as the list of specialties are, you can rarely find babysitters with experience in attachment or holistic parenting - and certainly not on the clickable drop-down menu! I am so glad that children with certain illnesses can find skilled caretakers, and it is also sad to me that overt thought about wellness is not at the forefront caregivers' skill set. One babysitter told me that she had a much harder time finding work until she was certified in first aid and CPR. As important as these skills are, I wonder what other values that are getting ignored when we make prevention and treatment of major catastrophes the top priority.
When we were living in Israel, we visited the Hebron Hills with the organization Breaking the Silence, and we heard the story of an IDF soldier who realized that while he was guarding a small settlement in the West Bank, a terrorist had walked through the dessert to a different city in Israel and people were killed. This soldier felt had his unit been patrolling the dessert rather than guarding the settlement, that attack could have been prevented.
Every place we guard leaves other places unpatrolled.
When we patrol all of our child's environment with gates and locks, we aren't protecting our child's need to explore.
When a woman is in labor, we often patrol the value of making sure nothing goes wrong, but we don't protect the privacy or calm that makes labor go smoothly.
When we make fear-based decisions, we're not guarding our parasympathetic nervous system's need for peace and are loosing the opportunity to make a trust-based decision.
The problem is when the very policy set to avoid damage is doing damage - and it often comes from what I've dubbed titanic syndrome - we are in trouble when we think we've created an unsinkable ship. We let our guard down and forget common sense, and end up in graver danger than if we accepted an inherent risk and worked with it. You’ve prevented all the things you don’t want - but have you taken the right measures to get what you do want?
Next time I leave a babysitter with a list of emergency numbers, I’m also going to leave them with a short check-list of reminders about what we do to nourish our child.
Coming soon - "Check-list for my babysitter...(and myself)."

Priorities

I find competing values a bigger challenge to navigate than bad habits. Sure, I ate a few latkes this holiday season, and started dabbling in refined sugar again, but my larger issue is when important work takes me away from my other important work. In the past few months, I completed an intro to midwifery course, a hypnobirth training, a women’s endocrinology training, and a few other classes - all of which took a major toll on my yoga class attendance and my family’s schedule.

When I focus on any of my priorities, it starts to feel like the ONE, the issue through which all other topics in life filter. There is a competition between my daily yoga practice, home cooked meals, meditation, getting ample sleep, creating routine, continuing education, diligent blogging, herbalism, volunteering, quality time with my daughter, and date night with my husband. Right when it feels like one has taken root so much so that I don’t even need to focus on it anymore, it starts to shake loose.

The truth is, some of my focal points actually are more important to me than others. Even when I can’t make it out to yoga classes, a daily home practice saves me, and when I loose that everything else starts to suffer. I find it helpful to pause to connect with my top priorities each day, even if I can’t have a longer meditation. I give myself one person to tune into, one task to handle, and one meal to make from scratch - and a few sun salutes - and this addresses the bare minimum for me.

We need some discipline in our daily practices - we deceive ourselves when we pretend it is ok to passively wait for the pendulum to swing us back to our highest selves. When each evening I see more of my computer screen than my husband’s face, I can pretend that I have been more busy than usual - for a few months - but if it continues I know I’m creating a problem. I need to remember that most disagreements I have with my 2-year-old can be handled by giving her a little more time, or by taking two seconds to jump up and down with her.

And yet with a little skill and a little trust, we do ebb and flow toward our highest. Whenever one value knocks another out of the field for the moment, we have to trust the trajectory of our path, and know that when something is in our psyche, we can return to it cyclically. There are some things I have learned and fully internalized as if on a cellular level, and some things I’ll need to review.

It takes a cycle of many years to become who we are becoming. Self-compassion, humor, and noticing the when and how of our small progresses helps.

I'd love to hear if the life coaches on my list agree - do we need swift action or gradual change? Comment below.

Jewish. Yogi. Doula.

Allow me to introduce myself...
Cross posted at: Kveller

I grew up in a fairly complicated and very secular latchkey home with Hanukkah bushes, Chinese take-out, and a sick mama.

My mom passed away a couple of months before the Twin Towers fell, when I was 23. Around this time I started practicing vinyasa yoga in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn. I got dumped just days before both of my roommates moved out to live with their boyfriends. Yoga helped me feel calmer and healthier, and allowed me to sit with my various sadnesses. It was different from anything I grew up with.

As I continued my search for meaning, I figured I should check my own Jewish background. Though familiar, I didn’t know an Aleinu from an Aleph. I also thought something about Israelis reminded me of what I found edgy and compelling in 90s era hip hop, so I decided to learn a little Hebrew and went on Birthright (a free trip to Israel for 18 to 26-year-olds). I said the Mourner’s Kaddish for my mom the year after she passed, and it served as a mantra that brought change in my life.

I was working in music marketing when I met my husband Jonah on Jdate. When he showed up I thought, “this guy is wearing a kippah, he’s way too religious for me, he’s moving to DC in a few months, and he really doesn’t seem like one-night-stand material.”

And then I got past all that and was present. We both loved hip hop, and comedy, and spirituality (admittedly in a sort of distance-learning way).

People ask if I got more religious because of my husband. I think we wouldn’t have connected if I wasn’t already interested.

At first we traded. I would become Shabbat-observant if he would become vegetarian. Then circumstances led us to new paths. I enrolled in yoga teacher training at and about a year later Jonah started rabbi school. I learned the rhythms of the call to birth when my mentor Sasha, also a doula, needed me to sub for her prenatal and parent baby yoga classes. I had felt a distinct lack of a calling in my life but around the topic of birth, something clicked.

Jonah and I have grown together so much that it’s hard to extract whose influence affected what part of our lives. Jonah’s tzitzit and now payis–are they evidence of his devoutness, or my love of cultivated eccentricities? My sustained interest in healing–a yogic path, my ambition, or Jonah’s grounding presence in my life?

Yoga has taught me that sensation is fleeting, and that sticking with a challenge is a faster path beyond it than avoidance. Judaism grounds me in ritual and mindfulness (blessings over food, Shabbat, family) in a fairly automatic way. Being present and un-alarmed at births helps laboring couples as much as anything else.

I was attending births and teaching new mamas before becoming a mama myself. Now we look after a 2-year-old baby girl Bina, my mother’s namesake, who both revolutionized and validated the ways I understand birth and life. I try to nourish wellness more than avoid illness, and know that being edgy isn’t about being tough–it’s about being true to yourself.

I am a ritual-maker, fiercely-devoted ima (mother), witness, friend, and iconoclast. Birth is my calling, yoga is my soul, and Judaism is my family.

Committed

I have decided to begin a mysore yoga practice. The first morning I showed up at Harlem's new Land Yoga I told Lara that I am committed... but... I have to see how it works with my family after the first session. Lara politely told me that if I intend to take class, I need to be committed to 3x a week for minimum of a month.
I have been deliberating whether to babycare swap or pre-school or pre-un-school this fall. I got cold feet when the JCC required us to commit to a class series in advance without a trial session.
Tis the season to take on new endeavors. Sometimes there is a problem with our culture's insistence that down time is a waste of time. We schedule ourselves and our children into a busy tizzy.
But there is beauty in making a commitment of our time, money, and efforts. I often notice myself weighing all the pros and cons of a particular situation only to find later that as much as I deliberated, the one variable I hadn't considered becomes most prominent. Or if I deliberate too long, the opportunity passed, or I lost steam.
When we look for a backdoor, we often find one. But maybe we don't need a way OUT as much as we need a way IN. When we spend our time avoiding getting stuck, we're not spending time in the current opportunity that presented itself.
I was really pleased that Lara pressed me.
I encourage you to commit yourself to something today. Nurture that part of yourself that still has instincts and intuition and trust that you were meant to encounter the ramifications if there are some. It's not being reckless - even if you make a "mistake," it was a mistake that was made in the name of allowing yourself to practice using your intuition, so that there are less mistakes in the future.
I guess I'm saying... seize the day family.
Posted without 108 revisions,
Julia :)

from the campy desk of the yogi doula

After we returned from our year in Israel we spent a month at a camp in Canada, where Jonah taught judaism and I taught yoga. Camp had cool nights, hot afternoons, beautiful lake, a huge open sky, and a few open-minded, thoughtful individuals I will not forget. I learned how children of different ages play and learn and appreciate.
But the cooking spray had butane and propane in it. I missed our organic vegetable delivery in Jerusalem. The highly programmed days and manner of discipline were not my style. Through my own scheduling hiccup, I was busy during free swim. Bina spent mornings at daycare, and even though I worked there, for the first time I did not control her environment. She learned to say MINE like a champ, played dress-up princess barbie, and wanted cookies and chips and dear g!d egg rolls and fruit loops. And it was EVERYWHERE. Our first weeks I was not a happy camper.
"Dear Mom,
The food is bad. I don't relate to these people. I'm homesick."
I was out of my comfort zone.
Then, after falling in love with the special needs campers that I was not even sure I wanted to teach in the beginning, I began to notice how excellent the camp is at nourishing this program. I realized that this institution does have ideals (duh?), even if many of them are different from mine.

I’ve been learning I can't nay-say everything (even when research and intuition are in my favor). Because, among other reasons, I'll probably start teaching my daughter to complain a lot.
And really, why complain? I woke up every morning for a lakeside yoga sadhana. I made a difference at the daycare as morning snack collector (bye, bye candy before noon). My schedule changed and I was in the lake every afternoon until dinner (that was huge). I loved how my 15-year-old girls were so dedicated. I loved how the 15-year-old-boys feigned ambivalence but focused and giggled and asked questions at the end of a session. And I loved watching Bina navigate her environment. I might have preferred different food choices, but I couldn't have asked for any better interpersonal choices. She started saying, "I don't say it's mine. I say, CAN I HAVE IT?" (kvell).
Fast forward to now, where we returned to NY and are finally settled. There are still things that I don't especially want her to have like cheerios and plastic toy strollers. I can explain and model, or take a strong stand when the situation truly calls for it. But as she ages and I have less control, I can learn to accept these gifts: the gift of learning to step back, the gift of time spent watching an intuitive being, and the gift of learning and not always teaching. I want to trust Bina's choices both because she's great, and so she practices making thoughtful choices on her own.
"Dear Mom,
I miss you. I think of all your challenges and idiosyncrasies, and of the way you have managed to continue giving me gifts over all these years."
I have to admit that I actually liked camp by the end. I'm loosing some of my ideals, sometimes. But going with the flow is another ideal that I neglect way too often.

Dedicated to my mother Barbara Gail Uslaner Mannes Walters, who marched to the beat of her own drummer, saw the good in everyone, made thoughtful choices (some more and some less), liked both the mainstream and the unusual, and passed away 10 years ago this summer.

We're Growing Up Together

My husband's rabbinical training required that we spend a year in Jerusalem. Now at the tail end of this time, I've been feeling a lot more "in progress" than complete. A dear new Israeli friend and I have just gotten into the swing of things on our babycare swap. A local midwife I just worked with said she had wanted to send clients my way all this coming year. I'm just starting to memorize phone numbers, get some major growth in the garden, get my yoga schedule down pat, string together (three-word) sentences in Hebrew, and figure out a good system for refilling our brita. I'm so ready for NY, but I'm not quite done here.

I'm also grappling for meaning because it's so hard to make sense of the political climate in Israel. There are so many hurt feelings and different perspectives that I don't always know the right questions to ask, let alone how to put forth my own assertions. And there's often a big white elephant in the room (or playground, where I'm told it's best not to talk politics in casual conversation). Still, what I know about birth brought a few insights for me: The more comfortable you can get with a little discomfort, the less big discomfort comes your way. Be willing to sweat. Meet someone new even if you think you already know them, or have no idea how to greet them. We never know what can shift and make a seemingly insurmountable barrier disappear.

I was privileged to attend and teach babywearing at a gathering of Israeli and Palestinian woman joined together under the moniker Midwives of Peace. We talked about birth politics and procedures, traded trade stories, and told a few (dirty) jokes to break the tension. I learned the Israeli homebirth midwife makes 4 times what the Palestinian one does. I got to attend hospital and home births, and was surprised and relieved to find the hospital experience a bit more humane than what I often experience in NY. I attended a seder in Tel Aviv for the hundreds of refugees who walk here from Africa each year in search of asylum. I got to visit the Hebron Hills, East Jerusalem, and Bethlehem, hear perspectives from Israeli soldiers (including cousins and friends) meet a few Palestinian families (among them dear friends), and see Jewish Israel through new and challenging lenses.

Three years ago when visiting a bedouin family in the Negev desert with my husband's family organization Kivunim, all the women were hidden - this year, just having a daughter was enough to grant me effortless entrance to this (and other) women's areas. Thankfully Kivunim is teaching students to speak both Hebrew and Arabic, because rifts between people are great enough without the language barrier. Amazing things happen when you put people in a room together. This is a feat unto itself; but if you can witness it, you can have a tactile experience of the other. Sometimes we learn the other is just like us. Other times it's not all pretty, we even deepen our stereotypes. But putting even an ugly face on a nemesis is much better than a bullseye. Nothing is lost - people I just meet now can be friends in the future; I might not have pragmatic answers for the peace process but I can trust that our abilities improve just by baring witness. One thing has come full circle - the searing hot sun has returned to bleach the streets of Jerusalem white again. Maybe I can expect answers the very day we fly home, which is immediately following Shavuot, a time for revelations. But I still feel like I'm piecing together a puzzle.

Except- Over many years I've been becoming a yogi, a doula, a Hebrew-speaker, and a witness to the middle east peace process. This year, I've become a mother. Maybe an iconoclastic mother who likes to practice handstands, but still a snack-prepping, nose-wiping, heart-in-my-mouth-when-my-baby-is-hurt mother. I knew it most when I searched the fridge during Passover for the leftovers I figured the rest of the family wanted least. On paper it's strange that the thing which feels most definite is the thing that is still so new, and the thing I will continue to grow into over my entire lifetime. Yet it helps answer the question of why I've been feeling so much more "in progress" about this year, when after most big adventures in my life I have felt a lot more complete - the biggest part of my adventure this year, looking after my little toddler, is no where near complete. "We're just growing up together," said a student of mine, when I asked her how she and her three-month old had been doing. I don't think I've ever heard it put so eloquently.

A Doula's Manifesto

An Interview In Honor of Women's History Month
Cross posted at: Health and Happiness Club
Julia Mannes is a is a professional birth consultant and doula certified by DONA International. She provides down-to-earth support throughout prenatal planning, labor, delivery, and the postpartum period. Julia is also a vinyasa yoga instructor specializing in prenatal and parent-baby yoga. She is skilled in acupressure, massage, photography, babycare, and bringing ritual to lifecycle events. Julia teaches workshops in babywearing, alternative newborn care, and yoga for labor and delivery. A native New Yorker who has traveled and lived in Israel, Morocco, Australia, and Europe, she received her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology at Vassar College and worked in the music business for many years. But it was close to home in Brooklyn where she answered the calling to serve pregnant women and new families in NYC. Julia served as Marketing Director for Coalition for Improving Maternity Services (CIMS') The Birth Survey, and Ambassador with Choices In Childbirth, helping with distribution for the New York Guide to a Healthy Birth. She is currently volunteering her services in Jerusalem, Israel and returns to NYC in June of this year. Learn more at www.juliamannes.com and www.juliamannes.blogspot.com.

1) What is a doula?
The word "doula" comes from the ancient Greek meaning "a woman who serves." Doulas provide physical, emotional, and educational support to families before, during, and following their birth. The doula’s role is to stay with a woman throughout her entire labor, delivery and immediate postpartum period – this continuous support is the hallmark of a doula’s care. A doula is distinct from a doctor or midwife - a doula does not attend to the medical aspects of your birth.

2) What drew you to this career choice and how did you get started?
During my primary yoga training in NYC, I was drawn to prenatal yoga. I started teaching prenatal and parent baby yoga classes for my mentor who was also a doula. I learned the rhythms of the call to birth from the times she needed me to sub, and when I completed my doula training I was completely compelled. I had felt a distinct lack of a "calling" in my life but around the topic of birth, something clicked. When I learned a bit about the politics of birth in the United States, I became an activist dedicated to supporting pregnant women and new families learn their birth options.

3) Why is a doula so important for a woman who is considering starting a family to connect with?
In days of old, a doula wouldn't be so important. But today women often haven't seen a birth, or breastfeeding, or even held an infant until their own. Families are spread further apart or just wouldn't dream of attending another family member in labor. But women have given birth with the support of other women throughout human history. It is helpful to have someone minimize bright lights and distractions, massage a sore spot, and keep you focused on productive activities - kind of like a sister or good friend with a few tricks up her sleeve. It is helpful to have someone knowledgeable about birth and skilled at active listening nurture your trust in the process. A partner alone with a woman may (lovingly) ask, "are you ok?," while a doula can emphatically say to the laboring woman "This is within the range of normal. You ARE (or will be) ok." Women are built to birth, but they are laboring under conditions markedly different than the women who came before them. Doulas help women learn how to navigate those conditions, change them when appropriate, and simply bear witness.

Studies have shown that when doulas attend birth, women rate their experience more positively, labors are shorter with fewer complications, and babies are healthier and breastfeed more easily.

4) What do you think are the main issues concerning women's health in the obstetrics field today?
Around the world, the great injustice in birth is the lack of access to basic medical techniques that would improve birth outcomes for both mothers and babies. Unfortunately the great injustice in the United States is the over-access to medical interventions that haven't improved birth outcomes. In 2010 the US ranked 41st in the world for mothers' deaths in childbirth, last among all other industrialized nations. The United States has more neonatologists and neonatal intensive care beds per person than Australia, Canada and the United Kingdom, but its newborn death rate is higher than any of those countries. The countries that have the lowest newborn and maternal mortality and morbidity rates are the countries where the majority of births are overseen by highly trained and skilled modern midwives.
As a society we are much more aware of our choices regarding an unwanted pregnancy than our options for how to birth. A lot of the feminist talk about birth mid-century was focused on a woman's right to pain medication. This is still a hot topic, but many feminists today focus on a woman's right to control the interventions she receives, to stay off her back and remain physically mobile in labor, and on returning to the women-centered midwifery model of care. Some people think avoiding an epidural is about being tough - but a choice to forgo pharmaceuticals unless urgent is most often about protecting your body and minimizing pain in the long run. It is also helpful for naturalists and allopaths alike to think less about avoiding the epidural and more about "how can we make this experience pleasant and functional enough that the epidural is not the main topic?"

5) Why do you think the U.S. has among the highest rate of c-sections in the western world?
If you ask me, it is because the majority of births are overseen by surgeons. An OB/GYN is a trained surgeon who we are lucky to have when truly needed. Since they attend the majority of US births, you will see more surgical births. Midwives are expert in physiological birth, and in cultures where they attend the majority of births, there are more vaginal births. You can read this for a more thorough explanation of this complex issue.
People often say they want an OB "just in case" something goes wrong and I agree! But to oversee the entire pregnancy and birth is not "just in case" behavior. Preventing that "just in case" becomes the focus of institutionalized practice more than the physiological and emotional ways to support a laboring woman. For example, all women naturally vary in their labor time - just like leaves fall from a tree at their own pace in autumn. Averages should give us a rough understanding of labor more than a mandate for each woman. Yet standard practice is to administer a synthetic form of oxytocin if labor is not progressing at 1cm per hour, which causes much stronger contractions and requires women to be immobilized and hooked up to a variety of intravenous drips and machines (and does not always speed labor as intended). Some babies do not tolerate these more intense contractions well, and a cesarean is suggested.
It would be like hiring a pediatrician to babysit your children. Not only might it be overkill, but it is a different skill set. The pediatrician may know about every childhood illness, but you'd want to be sure they know the basics of fixing a meal and connecting with your child.
The World Health Organization recommends the cesarean rate be about 10%. From a public health perspective, some say numbers much lower can result in avoidable natural trauma, and much higher numbers result in avoidable medicalized traumas. The rate in the United States is 32% and has steadily increased for 12 years straight - that is 1 in 3 births. Yet famous midwife Ina May Gaskin who started the birth community at The Farm in Tennessee has a 1.5% cesarean rate and better overall birth outcomes with fewer interventions than the national average.
People often ask me "what would a midwife do if the baby's cord is wrapped around its neck?" and I think to myself "at least give me a harder question!" A person trained in physiological birth should be even more skilled than a surgeon with a manual manipulation such as this - she would unwrap it with her hands. Her expertise is not limited to manual adjustments - a modern midwife has a lot more medical training than most people realize - but part of what makes birth with a midwife safe is that she will transfer care to an obstetrician when medically necessary. I've heard some convincing arguments that lack of faith in midwives is a form of chauvinism, in the sense that we're really saying we only trust the male-oriented medical system.
I have a dream of teaching "Birth and Babies 101" to teenagers because we need to know about birth way before we intend to conceive - it is empowering to better understand how our bodies work, distinguish the "choice" and "chance" aspects of birth, and increase comfort with this topic. TV shows like ER can make you feel like birth is an emergency where things go south at a moment's notice - in fact at most births there is a lot of waiting around, and most problems, when they do occur, have early signals. Movies with birth scenes lead you to believe that you're not in labor until your water breaks and when it does you need to be rushed to a hospital, get in a wheelchair, and be on your back until the baby comes out. In fact labor can start many different ways, often quiet and calm. Unless something is amiss when your water breaks, you are better off staying at home to labor for as long as possible. Put your bags in the wheelchair and push it yourself, if you are going to a hospital at all.

6) What role do you play on the day of delivery?
Doulas can support women at a birth center, hospital, or at home, and have proven helpful whether or not the client chooses or needs an epidural in the end.
The techniques I use include counterpressure, acupressure, massage, aromatherapy, hydrotherapy, use of hot and cold, suggestions for positioning to help speed labor and make you more comfortable, guided relaxation, and breathing exercises. You don't need all these techniques and there's no one best way to breath or move.
I am alerted as soon as my client starts laboring, and I typically offer suggestions and await another call until I am needed more. I often help couples figure out how to get some sleep to conserve their energy at this stage. Once I arrive it is my job to nurture a "rhythm, relaxation, ritual" triangle - helping women remember to move rhythmically, manage just one contraction (or surge, or rush) at a time, stay focused on the techniques that are working for as long as possible, yet help take decisive action to change what is not working, and facilitate communication between partners. We avoid getting caught in a "fear, tension, pain" triangle - fear causing tension, tension making the body more rigid, ridigity reducing comfort, and less comfort triangling back to increasing fear.
I take extra care to be courteous and unobtrusive with maternity-care providers (even if I believe the provider is not offering the best evidence-based care), because I have helped clients learn about their options prenatally and I have subtle ways to remind clients how to advocate for themselves during the birth.
It can be hard to understand the magnitude of why a doula is so helpful before you've been in labor, but when the minutes of labor feel like hours and the time you spend laboring stretches from hours into days, the need for a guide or coach becomes more clear, as much for partners as for the woman - in fact it may be unfair to ask a partner to not only learn all about birth but to also master support techniques and perform them for hours on end when they too are in the midst of the emotionally and physically consuming process of being reborn as parents.
My role actually increases the privacy and intimacy at births. Even though I am an extra body in the room, I minimize distracting intrusions and help clients advocate for their own preferences.

7) What role do you play after delivery?
I help establish initial breastfeeding, and there are many other things I do. After the baby is born I stay by the mother's side even though there is a lot of attention turned to the baby - she still needs to deliver the placenta and may need stitches, she may need support cleaning up, getting out of a tub, changing position, getting some food into her system, or processing her emotions. She may be hot or cold, high, low, or shaky. I do my best to make her comfortable. I also can help minimize separation from the baby, make the room cozier, or navigate the family in the waiting room. I speak to my clients on the phone at least once or twice in the day and days following the birth to make sure all is going well. I can offer support before an issue becomes acute. I visit clients at home a week or 2 after the birth to answer questions, help process the birth, and receive feedback about my role. This can all be very helpful since typical birth protocol involves discharge from the hospital with no follow-up until 6 weeks.
All the above pertains to my labor clients. I am also a postpartum doula, and for these clients I help with household tasks like shopping, laundry, and dishes, light meal preparation, registry/thank yous, and practical baby- and parent-care including breastfeeding, diapering, babywearing, yoga, and postpartum healing. I also remind people that if birth doesn't go as expected all is not lost and we can recover from setbacks.

8) Because of your career choice, you have a very intimate relationship with a woman looking to start a family. How does that make you feel?
It is fulfilling. Different women have taught me different things. I had one woman tell me that she's not into all this "hand holdy" stuff, and low and behold, she's the only client who ever asked me to hold her hand while laboring! You can't know which aspects of yourself will be most present during your birth, and I am always struck by the beauty of what manifests in the moment. I feel honored to attend each birth, and birth is never humdrum.

9) Anything else you want to add?
I suggest you interview a few different types of care provider – hospital or birth-center based midwives, family practice doctors, home birth midwives (read some reasearch about the safety of homebirth here, and obstetricians. Even if you love your current provider personality-wise, make sure you also jive philosophy-wise. Even if they are close to your home, think of other places you are willing to travel, such as your job. Interview others even if you are a little further down the line in your pregnancy (it is rarely too late to change care provider - and if you're concerned about offending them, try canceling your next appointment and see if you even get a follow-up phone call). See who answers your questions about safety and comfort best. People spend more time researching a car they’re going to buy, picking a wedding venue, even picking baby clothes, than they do researching the right care provider for their birth. And time and again, women rate their births as the most memorable events of their lives – so how do you want to remember your experience?

A final word - I loved my birth! It is helpful to know people have had positive birth experiences. Try to inform your psyche with positive stories. My daughter was born at home 17 months ago.

Gardening in December (the fertility issue)

I got to Jerusalem, learned a bit about planting a garden from scratch, dug (and dug), and weeded, and de-rocked, and fertilized a plot. Then we had some rain and a sandstorm right when I was about to plant. Then went the main line explosion right near the yard, and a cleaning guy chucked bleach all over my well-loved, well-waited for plot. I dutifully decided to dig a new plot, then found a pipe where I was digging, then got clearance that the pipe was from an old water line, nothing to worry about. And I was hoping the seeds would be in the ground by the time I posted this blog, but at press time we have another looming rain! I have considered calling in a local gardener. I can't help but think how I should have started my garden as soon as I arrived in Jerusalem in October. A nagging voice says "move fast the frost is gonna come any day!"

I know some of us feel the same about making babies. Maybe you think you're getting old. Maybe you've been warned that you'll take a long time conceiving because you've been on the pill for a while. Maybe you've tried for 6 months or a year and beyond and no luck. So this newsletter is dedicated to giving you some resources for "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" (please read at least the first few pages of this book). Most women I know, educated and saavy though they may be, have a few things mixed up about how it all works. It is empowering to understand your cycle, let alone that it can help you get pregnant. In fact if you start charting your fertile signs as an exercise in learning about your body before you even intend to conceive, it becomes fascinating and less obsessiveness-inducing. I am much more an expert in pregnancy, birth, and babies than in conception, but I can give you some basic info that I've gathered and resources for finding more on your own.

If your period has been a recurring issue for you, the pill can help sometimes, but sometimes it mask symptoms more than curing underlying problems. Likewise, if you're not getting pregnant, there are a number of things you can investigate about your cycle and your specific circumstances before undergoing pharmaceutical fertility treatment. You should know whether you have a short luteal phase, or are not producing many eggs, or if your cycle is longer or shorter than optimal, or if your womb is not holding the fertilized egg, or if you're not producing enough cervical fluid (evening primrose oil can help), of if your partner needs to be checked. If your doctor isn't asking about these things before recommending Chlomid, I recommend holistic practitioners not primarily for the spirit of it, but for the thorough scientific investigation of your individual needs.

As for the spirit of it, it is helpful to make space for "a" baby, your baby, in your life. Jonah and I both gave up drinking for 3 months before we intended to conceive. I'm not sure the lack of alcohol made a difference but it was important for creating kavanah (Hebrew for "intention"), a conscious conception practice. Some people have found taking a vacation or just loafing around for a few weeks helpful. I know this can be touchy advice for people who have tried to no avail for a long time - "just slow down" is definitely not always the answer! And plenty of people get pregnant without slowing their lives down. And plenty of people do end up needing outside help, be it holistic or allopathic. I also want to acknowledge that I don't know what it is to long for a child the way a number of dear friends do, so please forgive me if anything I say simplifies the complexity of what you have gone through in your journey to conceive. But if you're having a hard time, lightening your load and creating ritual to welcome your child couldn't hurt. Try picturing yourself pregnant... picture your baby's face... your baby in your arms... take quiet time to imagine why your baby chose you, what you have to teach your baby, and what your baby has to teach you.

It never hurts to increase wholesomeness in your life - drink plenty of water, eat food, break a sweat, find time for stillness, try also gaining a few pounds, letting the belly soften can help. The flip side to this advice is that birth and babies are messy undertakings - the rigidity of trying to follow any advice too perfectly can create energetic walls (or "watched pot never boils phenomenon"). Ditch the rules and be flexible, watch the moon and follow the moon cycles. Read Susan Weed "Healing Wise" (in general I love this book). She writes, "The Wise Woman tradition is the way of nourishment and sustenance, rather than of "fixing" and "curing."

If you're not having a hard time conceiving but just worried you will, the worry itself can take its toll on your attempts. It is true that we may be statistically more likely to be fertile at 20, but that doesn't mean anything about our individual fertility at 40. One client said she lied about her age while trying to conceive so that people didn't "lay their negativity all over you." You're not a ticking time bomb. The body performs better when it is trusted. We can seek to be our own healers, and the healers of our children to come, at least some of the time.

Before I outsource to the local gardener, I'm going to see what I can manage on my own. I've learned about plenty of veggies appropriate to plant at this time of year. If a big rain comes again and blows my beets to the bean plot, so be it. Maybe I'll have to dig up the carrots and replace them with onions, or maybe I'll need to be brave and start all over again (again) in the spring. And if my crop is less inspiring than what I find at the shuk, I can believe in the life-sustaining work I've done at least as process and not only end result.


Here are some NY practitioners I recommend highly. Please reply to this email if you need a recommendation closer to your home or of a different modality (US or Israel):

ACUPUNCTURE: Momoko Uno, L.Ac
P (212) 777-1318
C (917) 882-0077
F (212) 993-6097

HELP WITH: PCOS, painful periods, fibroids, pelvic inflammatory disease, low libido, PMS, irregular cycles, endometriosis, cystic ovaries or breasts, intimacy issues, HPV, and IBS (to name a few :)
Alisa Vitti
www.laughingsagewellness.com
balanceme@laughingsagewellness.com
212-581-0001

MAYAN ABDOMINAL MASSAGE (and more): Katinka Locascio
www.nurturenewyork.com
212-203-2782

NUTRITION: Latham Thomas
http://tendershootswellness.com
latham@tendershootswellness.com
917.328.4720

FUSSY?

Last week Bina was in a BAD MOOD. She was a completely different baby, crying at everything, demanding, hitting me... I think she was going stir crazy, we were cooped up with the much-prayed-for Jerusalem rain and had very little outdoor time. In the interim a few people emailed me to ask if I have any suggestions for toddlers who are hitting, biting, throwing, etc. It helped me get out of my own wallowing and into thinking about what I'd recommend to a client--

As much as possible, if you try to seek connection and understand your child more than trying to control behaviors, you sometimes inadvertently get improved behaviors, and at least get a more emotionally-enriched child (which can spell out more ease down the line). Inbal Kashtan writes about non-violent communication (NVC) in parenting and there is a specific lingo/way of interacting that is meant to be especially empathetic. IE - can you think specifically about what your child may be feeling and try to help give words or expression to the feelings? Maybe she is exploring limits; maybe she is working on her sense of humor; maybe she is feeling frustrated that you have all the power; maybe she learned this from someone at day care and is acting out to express some other need. So, can you ask her, "do YOU need to have more power?" or "do you think that is funny?" and see what she does... the philosophy is that she may not know what the word "power" even means but she can hear you sympathizing/relating and she moves on. You may tell her that you DON'T find it funny but after validating what she thought. Likewise you also need an empathetic listener, and I was grateful for the help of supportive friends last week (skype is amazing)! You can read more here: http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/inbal_kashtan5.html

Truth is, Bina bites me while nursing a fair amount (I think she has a limit of how hard, though her limit is just a little harder than mine!) and I haven't worked through it with NVC yet - i'm going to try this week. But what has helped so far is when I'm pleasant and clear about my limits, and when I remember Bina does not have malicious intent, even when her behavior is intentional.

These links also address this topic:

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/linda_passmark.html
http://www.naturalchild.org/naomi_aldort/toddler.html

Naturalchild.org is a great website I just learned about, with 1-page articles written by a lot of authors I admire - so a quicker read than a whole book, and you can decide if you want the whole book if any of these authors pique your interest enough.

I've also been working on being more positive in my phrasing of things with Bina, focusing on what I want rather than what I don't want. No easy feat but with practice I find I've been improving. I'll start off saying "please don't hit, we need to be gentle with our hands," and then remember I can just use the second part of the phrase. "Don't touch the garbage" can become "let's keep our hands clean; we can wash them now that you've had your hands in the garbage."

I'm looking at these challenges as an opportunity to work on my own interpersonal skills (for example I've always wanted to work on phrasing things more positively; even in my yoga classes I try to suggest "do this," and leave out the "instead of"), and hope to model the behavior I wish to see in my toddler.

One of the best pieces of parenting advice I've received is this - if your baby is challenging you, put an X on the calendar - more often than not, the phase has passed within 2 weeks. Bina actually made a complete turn-around, which I was so thankful for and kind of shocked by (I was concerned we had prematurely and abruptly entered the T*&RB*@E TWOs). I know I won't always be so lucky. But I'll keep trying to support Bina's need for self-expression, even when it shakes me, and know it will pass, along with all the tiny giggles and major milestones.

Too many experts?

The old lady at the playground "doesn't want to butt in" but Bina really should be wearing shoes. and she shouldn't be wearing a necklace. and what's with Bina's pants? As I'm about to start explaining EC, she tells me about her 46 grandchildren and 20 greatgrandchildren and how her children always realize she's right about everything in the end. Then she tells me a little about her time in the holocaust, my inner voice starts, "oh gosh, I'm a snotnose first-time mother, I need to learn from my elders more often..." and at the same time, "HEY lady get that sugar cereal out of bina's face!"

We have authors, grandmas, doctors, lawyers, hippies, dancers, preachers, teachers... So how do we make sense of their conflicting expert advice? It would be nice if we could just say "go with your gut" but it can't be the full answer - our guts have been formed by slick ad campaigns, mass media, and status quo since the day we were born. I'd say just go with the wisdom passed down from generation to generation, but occasionally this wisdom skips a generation (as when our grandmothers lost valuable tips about breastfeeding because in their day doctors said formula feeding was best). Our guts tend to change a little once we become parents and start doing things we thought we'd never be the type to do... so sometimes it's worth learning a little before we go with our prejudiced gut.

Once we open to advice without putting it on a pedestal, we want to find our own organizing philosophy - for me that philosophy tends toward attachment parenting and for you it may be what your parents always taught you, or "what would Ghandi do?" or something else. If someone suggests you go to a sleep expert, find out whether that expert comes from the baby training camp or the nighttime parenting camp, so you can decide if it's consistent with your general way of doing things. If someone suggests a nutritionist, find out if they are calorie-counters or holistic health counselors (or just think what Dad/Gandhi/AP friends would say about this person's advice).

It can also be helpful to look at some research, or if we don't have access/time/interest, at least question whether our experts are keeping up with the research in their field. And ask your expert to tailor their opinion to you. Tell them where you are coming from to see if they have had any experience with people who share your preferences. We all know the feeling of clamming up because we think the person we're talking to will disagree - we can we work instead on sharing what we think in non-confrontational ways to both learn and share (and share the park space).

Different experts have different priorities, let alone that they are human just like the rest of us and sometimes are mistaken. Your physical therapist wants you to avoid carrying your baby around in the car seat for extended periods because they see too many flat-headed babies and mother's with wrist, shoulder and neck injuries - your babywearing advocate may focus more on the bonding that comes from frequently using a carrier. An animal rights activist has different reasons for being vegetarian than a nutritionist. A golfer and a landscaper are both experts in grass, but what they classify as perfect grass are probably very different.

"My parents did X, and I turned out ok..."
"We're all doomed anyway, last week they said butter is bad, now margarine is bad - everything we do turns out that it was wrong!"

We've all heard these and similar comments, and they're ok for avoiding "expert" advice that we don't want or need, but can also be very reductionist.
Did X help you in any way, or did you turn out ok in spite of it? If you did turn out ok, would someone else have been so lucky? And quite frankly, DID you really turn out ok? We live in a society where chronic physical and emotional stress is the norm. Some of the things we think are fine because they are common may actually deserve a second thought. It is ok to make peace with some questionable choices that were made in our own childhoods, or the choices we make with our children, because we live in a non-perfect world and because we are resilient.

You may switch teams on your journey, or find there are many right ways, but at least you don't loose confidence in the face of every conflicting opinion. Which is a way to return to our guts - once we have learned a bit, it becomes easier again to make fast judgments that are a little more in line with who we are, and who we want to be. That's my expert opinion anyway.

Check out my feature "Best of Babies in NY" from WPIX evening news!

 

This is Part 2 in the series I created with reporter Emily Frances. See Part 1 here.

Check out my feature in "Best of Birth in NY" from WPIX evening news!

 

Check me out on the evening news!

Check out "Best Of Birth in NY" on WPIX (Channel 11)!
TONIGHT between 10:30 and 11 PM. I am featured and co-created the segment. Stay tuned next week for Part 2: "Best Of Babies in NY."

You're ok!

"You're ok, you're ok!" - chances are you've heard it or said it, at the playground or somewhere else when a child fell down. Seems smart - let's not baby them or overdramatize... but is there a more thoughtful response?

This comes up for me now, as a new student to Hebrew, when I want to make observations in class, or ask a question, or scribble feverishly. It's not that I absolutely need this question answered now, or that I'll know everything if I write every word. It's probably because I feel anxious with what I don't know, and feel the need to just do something. Maybe for control. Maybe just because I never put too much thought into this. But I do better when I let the learning wash over me without so much active processing. And usually when I'm dying to say something in class, that thought looms so large in my mind for the next 5 minutes that I miss half of what the teacher was saying (and probably the answer to my question). Basically, when I'm talking, I'm not listening.

What does this have to do with "you're ok?" Same as in class - when we're talking, we're not listening. A moment of silence is golden. We have the chance to take in the scene before reacting. We may feel anxious to see our children fall, and have learned to replace our "oh no!" with "you're ok," but it is still a jumpy reaction. Maybe our babies will move right along even if we say nothing. Or maybe they need a little support. We don't want to dramatize our children's falls - but we do want to validate their experience of pain or fear. A moment for babies to be allowed to feel what they're feeling before moving on is also golden.

The name of my textbook is "Hebrew from Scratch." And our children are also learning about the world from scratch. I want Bina to know that when there is a hurt (big or small) it's ok to have reactions. I can model a "no big deal" attitude when something goes wrong for me. I don't have to tell her that something that went wrong for her is no big deal. So even in this tiny phrase, there's a decent amount of learning for our beginners.

It turns out we are the students as much as our children. We are learning to be present without controlling everything. And they are learning how to deal quickly with situations and move on. This can happen almost as quickly as sweeping emotions under the rug, but makes room for emotional growth.

What do you think? Post your comments below.

food, glorious food

Which foods, when, and how is always a hot topic in the parent circles, so I'll share what we did with Bina and why.

There's strong evidence for the benefits of delaying solids until at least 6 months. Yet there may be strong interest on the part of your little one to eat your hummus sandwich; or you're nervous that it's post-6 months and the baby shows more interest in eating dirt than applesauce - what's a parent to do?

To delay solids, we started giving Bina a bamboo spoon or her own bowl at the table when we were eating... then we gave her non-digestable foods - ie whole uncooked carrot, kale, celery (also good for teething). Next we gave barely digestible foods like red pepper slices, cucumber sticks; at 7 months (sitting, had 2 teeth) we gave lightly steamed broccoli (big stalk with handle), artichokes (surprisingly successful - the leaves offer a lot of food!), sweet potato (not pureed), and avocado (a quarter of it, in its skin, so she had something to hold onto). Babies have a hard time reaching the food inside their fist so anything that they can hold but sticks up above the fist is ideal. This is known as "baby led introduction to solids" or "baby led weaning" which has been fabulous for us - no purees, no spoon feeding, letting babies explore with supervision.
and a fun blog about this:
http://babyledweaning.blogware.com/

I'm trying to get comfortable with giving Bina table foods now, at 9 months, so I let her stick her hand in most things i eat lately, and she at least gets the experience of joining in with me. But I have to admit salt and anything processed still leaves me cold - her palate is still so new; she can appreciate flavors of foods without additional seasonings... why devirginize her taste buds so quickly?? High fructose corn syrup and candy will be knocking down our door before I know it. Her diet is still almost exclusively breastmilk, veggies and fruits.

So why not fish or bread? In the first full year of life, the baby's primary nutrition is breastmilk or formula - any other eating plays an educational, explorative roll more than a nutritive one. So I figure I'm going to wait on processed foods or other animal products for a bit. And why not rice cereal, commonly touted as the first food because it is iron-fortified? This may make more sense for formula-fed babies than breastfed babies. So if your baby is showing no interest in food, take it as a gift from the heavens and wait to get yourself covered in muck until they loose the tongue thrust reflex and can sit upright.

What about allergies and food order? Or if you just can't shake the need to put your baby in a high chair and give them purees? Wholesomebabyfood.com
is a great website with suggestions for first foods, recipes, and allergen advice.

This is such a bigger issue than what your yoga teacher tells you to feed your baby (or yourself). Food is love. Food is politics. Food is culture, it is body image, it is joy, it is health, it is art. Babies may want food early, but some don't. Some just like sticking everything in their mouths. Some do want food early, but it's for the social interest to do what we are doing. So draw from your own traditions, interests, and your baby's unique cues.

What's your favorite unique first food for babies? Post below:

40

Bina turned 9 months old last weekend - she is working on standing "no hands." And I turn 40 weeks postpartum this weekend - I've been working on my handstands. I've had as much time as it took to grow a baby inside to recover and grow from the process. It feels like a time to think about me individually - finally getting back into my "own" projects and practices - (starting this blog... shedding the last of the baby weight?) - while the last nine months have been focused on me as a mother.

It feels auspicious to be arriving at this milestone right at the time of my own birthday, giving more food for thought on the juxtaposition of me as individual and me as someone inextricably linked to another. Our birthdays are the start of our sun period, a time where our energy and creative capacity is heightened, so I want to use this momentum and make ritual of this time.

It makes me think of how many people come to the practice of yoga for the physical benefits, and only along the way find other benefits. The mind and body are inextricabIy connected, just as my place in the world is now inextricably connected to my role as mother.

The "becoming" of who we are and the work we still have to do is a process. It struck me how practicing yoga can bring us closer with our babies. It is so valuable for them to see that even as adults, we're not perfect - it's about process more than the end result. Having a practice of our own also helps us relate to how hard our babies are working when they try, again and again, to roll, crawl, or walk on their own two feet.

If you need a jump start on your practice, yogis implement a 40 day sadhana - you must do the new practice every day for 40 days and if you miss one day you must start again. It's a simple thing that anyone can do when we need a change. It takes about 40 days to cultivate a new habit (or 40 weeks to grow a baby... or 40 years to wander in the wilderness...) and a flood of water to mark the new phase: http://judaism.about.com/library/3_askrabbi_o/bl_simmons_forty.htm

Just as mind and body are inextricable in yoga, maybe your baby is inextricable from your practice. So do a little yoga with your baby around. Run to your baby from downward dog, and see if you can sneak in some sun salutes. Jump to seated in front of them and take a forward fold when you nestle their belly. Let them creep up on your chest while you have your legs up the wall. Let their persistence inspire your practice. And let them know you're still practicing too.